My Word For The Year…Submission…Are You Kidding Me?

Yep, that was my exact response to my word of the year. When God laid it on my heart I stopped cold in my tracks. Submission? Really? I was already a submissive wife by every definition of the word. Surely, this word wasn’t really what I was to focus on this year. But then God used my bible study with First Five to hammer it home. At the end of the year, we were in Matthew and the particular day I received the word, we were discussing Barabbas. I realized that Jesus, in full submission to God, took the physical place of Barabbas and by doing so, took upon himself all the sins of the world. I have known this truth my entire life but this year, my focus of submission was to be submitting to the will of God. Okay, I can do that…but even still my heart rebelled a little at the sting and within minutes, God gave me my verse for the year:

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 NLT

Okay, so now the sting isn’t so bad.  I should know that God has a specific purpose.  He called me out and had me start a ministry this past year.  It is still in infancy but blogging and posting will start happening very soon and then it will explode.

I understand the need for submission just like I understood the need for obedience in 2014 and Trust in 2015.  Those years were a time of discovery and healing.  It was a time to rest in the arms of my Savior and remember that He always has my back even when I don’t realize I need it.  But hey, this is me, I need a whole army watching my back lol.

My greatest fear, in every area of my life, is that I will fail.  I have always known that failure was necessary for growth but something in me hates to fail so rather than fail, I don’t try.  For instance, I am a natural born salesperson.  I could sell worms to a bird living on a worm farm.  When I was in 4th grade, I sold enough butter toffee peanuts to not only send myself to camp but three other kids.  I was always selling something, even if it was my services, and I was good at it.  But somewhere along the way I decided that I hate sales.  Maybe my desire to be liked back then coupled with a negative view of salespeople in general contributed to my sudden determination that I hated sales.   I don’t know but now, while I am still a good salesperson, I hobble myself to prevent that person inside me from getting out. Sales is the one area where I have rarely failed.  But as in all things, the potential for failure is there and so I refused to move forward.

This year I sense that failure is an option I will have to live with.  Instead of running like Jonah from the things God has for me to do, I will need to run TO him.  That word submission, in reference to God, is one I have run from my entire life.  I know that this year, God is going to make me stretch in areas far outside my comfort zone.  God is going to place me in circumstances that will require me to give my all even though I may fail.  I want to play it safe, He wants me to stretch myself into what He originally planned.  It is scary and that word submission means I am gonna buck like a wild horse.

So today, in church, Pastor Craig, (I attend Life.Church…yeah THAT Pastor Craig) was talking about dangerous prayers and his subject today was Search Me…what a dangerous prayer and I KNEW I didn’t want to pray it but my lips moved and sound came out and there was THAT prayer.  Rich was praying it too and almost immediately he wrote something on his talk notes.  He later showed me the dollar sign.  My husband does not trust God in the area of finances.  It is something I have been praying about and today God answered my prayer.  I have wanted to tithe for awhile but God had asked me to wait until Rich was ready.  I think he may be ready soon.  Prayer answered!

It was MY search that made me cringe and even still I am not sure where God is going to take me on this one.  If you have followed me the last two years, you know that in 2014, I discovered my husband had an affair that lasted from 2004 to 2010.  You also know I forgave him and God has used that to launch a ministry for hurting marriages that continues to leave me speechless as I watch HIM work in the couples we counsel.  Because I had always trusted my husband and because that trust was betrayed in the worst way I can imagine, I feel like I am always walking on quicksand, waiting for the other shoe to drop and cause me to sink so deep I cannot get out.

My husband is a talented man with wood.  He can do amazing things yet, he continues to work for someone else in a little shop, slowly killing himself doing side jobs because what he makes isn’t enough to keep us afloat.  I know he is unhappy in his job but he gets up and goes each and every day because it pays the bills.

Today I was looking in the newspaper to see if there was somewhere else he could work that would pay well but not suck the life out of him.  Three different ads hit me hard…the funny thing is they were all three for the same job with the same company.  How odd is that?  Not odd at all when you consider what God was about to say to me.  I immediately dismissed the job from my mind and within seconds God let me know why.  You see, MY search me has to do with my marriage.  I dismissed the job because it would mean my husband working with the public and the public includes women and I can’t go there.  Why?  God let me know in no uncertain terms that while I have forgiven my husband, I have NOT trusted God with my marriage.  WHAT? ME?  Not trusting God with my marriage?  Well, in my defense, I had always trusted God with my marriage and my husband still had an affair.

Okay, so THOSE words came out of my mouth and I immediately felt about 2 inches tall.  God was doing what I had asked.  He was searching me and I discovered the area I was most afraid to trust him in was the very area I needed to trust.  See?  I told you He was going to stretch me.

God, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that this is the year I surrender it ALL to him.  As I seek to do HIS will, not mine, I covet your prayers.  This is going to be a hard year.  Control is a big issue with me and God is asking me to give that up completely.  A very hard task I am sure, especially since he wants me to start with my marriage.  Told you I was gonna buck like a wild horse.

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