It’s All About The Faith…

I wish folks could have known me when I walked by such strong faith that nothing phased me.  But then I look at my writing over the years and I realize that while I have spent a lot of time out of the boat walking on water, I have spent much more of that time sinking as I take my eyes off of Jesus.  Seriously?  Do I even know myself at all?

When I wrote the above paragraph, Rich and I were walking through a storm.  While it will not be the last storm we pass through, it will be the last one where I take my eyes off Jesus.  Why?  What was different about this storm?  The answer is absolutely nothing.  It was a storm and it was rough and it made me cry and begin to lose faith.  But while the storm was not different, I am.

Let me explain.  In the midst of this storm, God calmed my heart and let me know that it would all be okay.  That is always the case but after storm, after storm, after storm, I was tired and wondered what in the heck I had done to deserve the kind of storms I was passing through.  I actually voiced the words that God hated me.  Yeah, those words came out of my mouth…loudly and to people who immediately surrounded me with prayer and cast out that thought.

About a week later, God revealed that next step in the parade and I was floored.  It was as clear and as strong as a bolt of lightning and it came just as suddenly.  Now, I have been excited about stuff before but this was different.  Not only was the excitement there, but confirmation after confirmation after confirmation came rolling in.

Scriptures rolled in and I felt God’s hand on my shoulder.  My passion for what he was asking me to do was relatively new, I had never had a heart for this before but the past year and a half, he had begun to temper me, prepare me, break my heart and restore what had been broken.  It is a process but I can see progress.

In the movie, Joshua, a woman breaks a vase and dissolves into a pile of tears.  She talks about how it can never be restored and just like her, has no use any longer.  Joshua, who is the representation of Christ in this movie, remains quiet but begins to pick up the broken pieces.  At the end of the movie, he presents the woman with a beautiful glass angel, made with the broken pieces of the vase.  It shows her that even a broken thing can be made into something beautiful.  That scene stayed with me for a long time.  I am broken.  I was ill and didn’t think I could be useful again.  But God fixed that.  My heart was broken into a million pieces because of my husband’s infidelity.  I forgave but I still felt broken and without value.  Nothing my husband said and did could change that.  It was going to take time and I understood this more than I thought possible.

But during this time of brokenness (yes I am still broken – as evidenced by the thought that God hates me) God began to do something amazing.  He changed my heart.  He took me out of my comfort zone, causing me to reach out and embrace others.  I have been dumbfounded by the change in my heart, but that isn’t the best part…that change in my heart has caused me to develop not just an embracing but a passion.  A passion for women from all walks of life.

Former OU Football player Eric Pope once told me that you will always know when something is from God because it will be bigger than you can do without Him.  This is true.  The path that God has me on right this moment is way outside of my comfort zone.  It is not, however, out of the realm of my God-given talents.  God is combining the new passion with old passions and the results are going to be amazing.  I cannot wait to be able to share the newest chapter in my life.

I have long believed that God had something amazing for me to do and for a long time, I took each storm and challenge head on – sometimes wavering but never doubting.  The storms these past 2 years have been incredibly intense and painful. I lost faith in myself and in God.  I still felt devalued only now it intensified to the point where I began to believe that God actually hated me.  This is a lie from the enemy and one I should have recognized immediately.  It is as if God allowed me to be pushed to the very edge of my ability to cope and then stepped back to see what would happen.  Well, what happened is a shameful thing for me.  I never expected to be in that camp ever.  I have lost faith in God’s people over the years and I have questioned God’s timing in many instances but never have I felt that God had abandoned me.  I was one breath away from saying enough is enough.  I don’t ever want to be there again.

Today, I was extremely emotional and through a Bible notification on my phone, God reached out to me.  This is what I posted on Facebook today:

So often, when I am down or hurting, God reaches out, puts his hand on my shoulder and whispers, “I am here, let’s talk.” In that moment I am driven to my knees in thanksgiving that I have a father in heaven who cares so much about me that he reaches out even before I ask…

The scripture image I posted was Psalms 18:2:

The lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

I don’t want to have the faith of Thomas, who only believed once he had seen.  I want to have the faith and passion of Paul, who met Jesus on the road to Damascus and never turned back.  Paul, who considered it great joy to suffer for the cause of Christ.  I want my faith and passion for Christ to be the thing that people remember about me.

Last night, Rich and I learned that a confirmed side job equal to almost a month’s salary, had not just been sidelined, it had been cancelled.  I remember dropping to my knees and saying good bye to all the plans we had for that money – it was a hit but it didn’t devastate me as it would have in the past…this morning, as we prayed, I thanked God for the extra time I would get to spend with my husband.  Rich and I agreed that from now on we will praise him through the storms and there are bound to be lots more ahead…I love singing in the rain!

As I prepare to enter into the place that has been prepared for me, to minister to those whom God loves with all his heart, I want it to be all about the faith because it is!

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